Cliff Hangers

The last few days I have been contemplating our current status as far as children goes. We are again faced with waiting, wondering whether the children we are currently fostering will eventually be ours, as well as speculating what will happen as far as biology goes.  As I thought about it, I realized that once again, we are in a place of decision, and I really don’t know where to go, or what to do, only that I must trust God, and Him alone in this situation.

As I thought about the journey that we’ve been on, from the beginning, I came to the conclusion that it has been a road full of cliffs. Cliffs that we have had to jump off, not just observe. Some of them have been easier than others, nonetheless, these cliffs, in my opinion, have not been beautiful, spectacular, or wonderful to look at, at least not as we were facing them. They were, and still are, scary, dark, treacherous, and full of the unknown.

Some of the cliffs we’ve faced-

            *Going off birth control

            * Making initial contact with medical professionals because things were not returning "normal" physically like they should

            *Realizing that we needed more help than originally anticipated- something really is wrong

            *Calling the Fertility specialist

            *Beginning specialized tests to understand what is causing the hold up

            *Scheduling surgery

            *Losing two babies

            *Having surgery

*Lots of monitoring   

            *Using medicated cycles

*Deciding how far is too far for us as far as fertility treatment goes

*Choosing to foster adopt

            *Ultimately choosing to trust God, rather than doctors or medications for the children we would love to have

Some of the cliffs we’ve faced have been higher than others, but each one was as scary as the previous. Why? Because we’ve never seen the bottom before we jump off.

You see, each of these cliffs is a challenge, a test of our faith in God. When we jump off, it must be in full reliance on Him not on our own strength. He already knows what the whole picture looks like, and shows us in pieces.

He gently calls us to trust Him with everything we are, to step of that precipice into the safety of His waiting arms. Unfortunately, I usually am suspicious of the cliff itself, rather than seeing that God is faithfully standing there, waiting on me to step off.

Now while the cliffs seem to be never ending, in reality, they are only a small jump, a little stepping stone to what He has in store for me. If only I will trust…

So here’s my challenge for the time being; whole heartedly stepping of the cliffs that come, straight into the arms of my savior, following where he leads, knowing that He has me in His hand the entire way. 

Desperation

So much has been going on here lately and I haven't really had time to write, but when I do, it's gonna be good! Anyway, this was what was rolling through my head on Sunday on the way home from church- more to come later!

My heart is in pain

My soul is parched
My emotions run amok

I have nothing to say
Nowhere to go
No place to escape my fate

Still I turn to you

You who are my all
The rock on which I stand
The peace in the midst of my storm

You are my escape
My refuge
My wall
My protection in harm

Safe from disgrace
Hold me in your arms
Only there do I find peace

Always I turn to you

So hold me in your arms
Rescue my by your love
Free me of my fears
Show me what I am to become

Remove my inhibitions
Ease the pain within
Cover me in your grace
Show me your face

I only turn to you

Joy, Belief and Doubt

James 1:2-8- “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ they are double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Joy, belief, and doubt. Not exactly things that one would expect to find in the same sentence, but here they are, staring us all in the face. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve read this passage many times, heard it preached multiple times and practically memorized it.

That’s why it was so interesting to read it in the way I did recently.

Now, these thoughts are not all original to me. Again with the number of times I’ve encountered this passage, I didn’t think anything new could even be revealed.

I’ll admit, that sometimes I’ve struggled, things being what they are. Some months are better than others; memories come and go, milestones are passed bringing with them reminders of what was, what could have been. Life moves on for others as well- I’ve encountered friends being told that there was no longer a detectable heartbeat for her long awaited child, and another who just found out that she is expecting all in the same week. What a roller coaster!

I think that’s where this passage fits in for me. Obviously, our journey to have kids has been and sometimes still is a trial for me, these last couple of years especially. According to the Word however, in the face of all this, I must be joyful. Not down in the dumps, having pity party after pity party, but joyous in the fact that I am indeed in a trying time. Why? Simply this. When my faith is tested, perseverance is built, and when this time is complete, it is evidenced by a maturity that is full and complete.  

So how do we get through these times? By asking God for wisdom. Needless to say, anytime we are faced with a difficult circumstance as believer, our first inclination is to ask ‘Why, God?’ Not necessarily a bad question, if done in the right attitude. This doesn’t really get us anywhere though. Instead, our conversation with God should be more an intercession for wisdom, for leading in our current situation.

Often this passage is used in the context of needing wisdom, smarts, and even direction, and while it’s application is not prohibitive of these functions, it is specifically mentioned in the context of trial, of time of struggle, when we are humanely at our weakest points. It is at this point when God chooses to move, not by removing the situation or taking us from our difficulties, but by giving us wisdom to handle where we are. This wisdom comes with two directives. First, ask. Second, believe.

Asking is probably the easier of the two, seeing that it only requires us speaking to God, which ideally is something we do every day. It’s really a simple process if you think about it. Ask. That’s all. James promises that when we ask for wisdom, it will be given to us, undeservedly, unquestioned, never unrequited.  All we have to believe.

I think the challenge with this belief is not in trusting that God can or will give us wisdom, but in actually accepting the wisdom he gives to us. How many times has God given us the wisdom we asked for, only for us to discount or even ignore what He has said? Conveniently, it often seems easier to continue on our own way when God has spoken. It is such a travesty to think that we  act in a manner that shows we know better than the living  God, the source of true, pure, unadulterated wisdom, the answer to every question, the solution to every problem, all because we doubt.

You see, doubt is like changing your mind. When we ask God for wisdom, we are asking for Him to be in charge of our situation, to take things into His hands and do His work. When we doubt, we take that problem, that trial, the situation we face back into our hands and tell God by our actions, if not directly to His face that He is not good enough. That He doesn’t really know what’s best. That we’re ok without Him.

Sobering, I know.

That’s where I am now. In a place of trial, of joy, and I must consider it such. Not that it’s fun, or even something I want to continue doing, but it is an opportunity for growth that wouldn’t have happened otherwise, and for that I can be grateful.

It is also a time for complete reliance on God. Waiting, trusting, resting, but not doubting. I’ve asked for wisdom, and he’s granted it. All I have to do is believe.

So for now, I take joy in my struggle, asking for God to take over through His wisdom, trusting that He does 

know best, and will do what He has promised in due time.