Wrestling with God

I’ve always been amazed by Jacob in the Bible.

Jacob, who began life the underdog, grasping at the heel of his brother, always striving for something better, for what he did not already have. Jacob, who in the midst of struggle fought on, never giving up. Jacob, who, in spite of his family background and history was the father of many nations.

 His tenacity was unbelievable. The way he lived his life full force is in short, amazing. Now don’t get me wrong; these same qualities got him into plenty of trouble, mostly because he was such a strong personality. Nothing kept him down for long.

Jacob possessed a rare persistence that propelled him far beyond many of his peers. When he saw something he wanted, it became his at whatever the necessary cost. Birthright of the firstborn, the wife of his choice, land and possessions; all were his because he never let up when something was within his reach.

He even wrestled with God.

When Jacob wrestled with God, he did so primarily with selfish motivation. His family was on the line, and faced with the reality of a brother with a known vendetta on his head, Jacob was not taking any chances. So he fought, not knowing who he had engaged in combat.

Jacob fought out of fear. Fear for the lives of his children and wives. Fear for his own life. Fear of losing his possessions. Fear of the unknown in his situation. Fear of his brother Esau. Pure, unadulterated fear.

Jacob fought because of what he had at stake. Everything that Jacob held dear was on the line that night, or so he thought. But what if he had taken the time to find out who he was struggling against? How different the outcome could have been! His fight that night was wholly unnecessary. While his drive is admirable and his desire to protect what had been entrusted to his care commendable, the fact remains that Jacob needn’t have fought; I fully believe the blessings he received would have still been his, only without the pain, the scarring caused by struggle. If only he had surrendered.

So at what point does wrestling require surrender?

Sometimes I wrestle with God as well. I struggle with the why’s and how’s of our, of my infertility. I grapple with the understanding that for some unknown reason, we are in this boat when there are so many others who apparently have such an easy time. I question the reasoning behind this trial.

My motivations are oftentimes selfish. I fight because I think that it is what is required of me, when in reality, surrender is what God is asking. I battle because I don’t want to endure this trial because it hurts, even though my pain causes me to grow spiritually. I want the end result without the effort.

I fight because I don’t know what else to do. When God’s way is no longer clearly evident I take things into my own hands, in essence telling God and showing the world that I am in control; just like Jacob. And just like Jacob, I refuse to surrender.

But what would happen if I did? What would happen if I took the time to ask who my opponent was, to really see what I was up against? Most likely I would find that I am struggling most against the one I claim to follow.

Therein lies the problem: When I fight my solution, I automatically lose. My way is hindered because all energy is focused on dealing with me, rather than combating the real issue.  Fighting the answer never leads to a win- only to heartbreak and turmoil.

Like Jacob, I need to learn that while I may still be blessed when I am finished struggling with God, those blessings would be greater if I would follow His directions first. That by asking who my opposition is, I not only know who I am up against, but I also know that I am fighting the true opponent  and not wasting my energy on the one who is my solution.  That I could have rest instead of trouble, peace in the face of turmoil, calm in the midst of the storm.

So when does wrestling require surrender?

When you are wrestling God.