I remember when...

It’s hard to believe that our first baby would have been a year old sometime this past week had all gone as planned. It’s also difficult to swallow the fact that I could be approximately a month from delivering our second child.

Where has the time gone?

I still wonder what they would have looked like; would he or she have had my hair, or my husband’s eyes? Would they both have been boys, both girls, or one of each? What would their personalities have been like? Reserved? Quiet? Life of the party?

I miss them both.

Sometimes I forget that we’ve been down this road already, that it’s old hat now. That I’ve already celebrated a passed due date and survived, and I’ll do the same again.

Yet the longing to know my children remains.

Life goes on however, and I can’t stop living in today because of what happened yesterday, or the days before that for that matter. I can only live in hope of the promise that God has made, knowing that He is faithful and even on days when the memories are so fresh you can almost taste them, He is still in control. That He knows how pain and suffering feel and was willing to share in mine. That He understands my desires and is able to fulfill those wishes in His perfect timing. And above all, He knows what is best for me and will ultimately fulfill that plan, even when I don’t see it. His blessings are often not what I perceive, His ways higher than mine. So while it may be melancholy to remember all that has seemingly been lost, I know it is not for naught.

For all that, I’ll always be thankful.