Conflict of Interests

Last night Chris (the hubby) and I went to Target to register for baby gifts.

Now for most couples, this is a natural part of being in a marital relationship; love, marriage, baby carriage. Unfortunately things have not worked exactly as we’d planned in this arena. We found love, married, and have been waiting for the carriage for almost 4 years.

After much prayer and consideration, we chose to pursue adoption in addition to our regularly scheduled ttc life. Adopting was something we’d always planned to do, just didn’t anticipate doing it now- it was more of a “later” kind of opportunity.

Our families are super excited. My mom has been giving me little things here and there “for her grandbabies.” His mom has closets full of toys and activities whereby children can engage their imaginations. His family also wants to throw us a shower.

I am totally not anti-shower by any means. Like any other expectant parents, we need all the help we can get- kids are expensive after all! We have virtually nothing- a convertible crib has been our biggest investment to this point. A tub full of outgrown infant clothing from when I was a nanny for twin girls, a few toys, an old swing, and a pack and play from my husband’s cousin occupy the closet.

In spite of all this, as well as my appreciation for what my in-laws are doing, registering was by far one of the most awkward things I’ve done in my life. I even made Chris carry the clicker.

The tension inside me is interesting. I am truly settled with where God has us at this moment. I have learned so much (and have so much still to learn), but I am not distressed about any one part of our situation, unlike in the past. Would I like for our situation to be different? Of course. But I’m truly ok with where we are.

I’m ok with were we are treatment wise and also in knowing that on any given day we might receive that call, the one that would forever change the landscape of our lives. We wait in hopeful anticipation that somehow, someday, we will be parents one way or the other and are at the moment, for all practical purposes, expectant parents.

Still, I felt like such a fraud standing there last night.

How do you register when you don’t even know who your children are, when they are coming, or how old they will be when they come home? I was saddened by the need to choose gender neutral supplies instead of vibrant pinks or blues. This is something that I would most likely have done anyway, but the fact that I was doing it out of necessity rather than by choice was somewhat disappointing.  Considering what items we might need for and infant, toddler or preschooler is daunting. The selection of supplies is astounding; I never realized just how many choices there are and I consider myself fairly well versed in all things child related. I guess that’s what happens when you intentionally avoid an entire section of the store in fear of the emotions or flood of tears that are bound to surface after a visit! Adding to the dynamic is the fact that we haven’t given up on having biological children, and let’s face it, there are some things that are just more geared towards growing a family in that manner.

All things considered, I know that the shower will be a good thing, a day to celebrate what God is doing. It will take stress off of us, mentally and financially; we will no longer need to freak out every time we get a phone call and start making a list of necessary supplies to procure.  It will give others a chance to share in our joy, even before it is complete. As Chris told me in his pep talk to me on the way to the store, this shower is a faith thing; faith that God will do what He has promised us so many times, through so many people and situations.

I know that God is faithful, that He knows my desires and the deep love that I already possess for our children, no matter who they are or where they come from, so for now we wait, knowing that God is in control, and that His timing is perfect.

In a Little While

When I was 2 years old the first of my siblings, a sister, was born. Before her birth, my favorite phrase was “in a little while. “ I learned that “in a little while” I was going to have a sibling, or according to me, “a brother or a girl.”

Now that I’m older, I realize just how much that tiny axiom applies to daily circumstances. Waiting is something that we do every day. We wait for traffic signals to indicate the appropriate times to stop and go, often impatiently. We wait for meals to cook, or to be served. We wait for the right time to confront people. And for believers, there is an added element; daily we wait for God to give us direction and even for the fulfillment of His promises.

Waiting is often tedious, taxing, making us tenuous and tentative.  We begin to doubt what we’ve heard from God, wondering if it was just our imagination or if what we’ve heard was only wishful thinking. Waiting causes a desperation that is like none other. It somehow justifies in our minds reasons for saying and doing things that we would not ordinarily consider acceptable. Typically patient individuals are suddenly impatient, unwilling to wait for what is to come. Selfishness rises to the front of a list of undesirable behaviors in which we participate.

Fortunately, waiting doesn’t have to be this way! Waiting, in its intended form is meant to be a time of rest, respite, restoration. It is a time to refresh our weary bodies and souls in preparation for what is to come, to heal wounds that have been inflicted. Think about what Isaiah 40:27-31 says:

²⁷ “Why do you complain, Jacob? 
   Why do you say, Israel, 
“My way is hidden from the LORD; 
   my cause is disregarded by my God”? 
²⁸ Do you not know? 
   Have you not heard? 
The LORD is the everlasting God, 
   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
   and his understanding no one can fathom. 
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary 
   and increases the power of the weak. 
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, 
   and young men stumble and fall; 
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD 
   will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
   they will run and not grow weary, 
   they will walk and not be faint.”

When we wait God style, hoping in the Lord, resting in his powerful arms, our wait is not cumbersome.

Rather it is a time that provides reflection and relaxation as we rest in the plans of the Creator who is fully in control of any situation we may encounter. 

Our Heavenly Father never overlooks a detail as he first addresses our human instinct to tense in adversity by reminding us (verse 27) that we are not alone nor are we forgotten, that He is fully capable and is more than strong enough to carry to completion what His promises include without becoming tired or overburdened (verse 28). In fact, He provides that same strength to those who wait, who often are weary, increasing their power as they rely on Him. Waiting is an opportunity to recharge if we will only view it as such.  

Sometimes, just like my parents undoubtedly did, God tells us “in a little while.” When He tells us this, it’s easy to come unglued, or at least feel like we should, but when we face times of waiting as time for restoration, for healing, of hope, that waiting no longer feels like an eternity; rather it really is a “little” while. When we wait in hopeful anticipation, the fulfillment of that promise will be even sweeter.

We are reminded of this in Habakkuk 2:3;

“For the revelation awaits an appointed time; 
   it speaks of the end 
   and will not prove false. 
Though it linger, wait for it; 
   it will certainly come 
   and will not delay.”

Waiting is essential to our existence. We need the rest from the day to day, week to week, month to month chaos that surrounds us. We also need the endurance and stamina that waiting brings through its God given strength, forged through patience and trust. Waiting gives us the ability to trust God even when we don’t understand and can’t see what’s ahead and in doing so, it develops a dependence on him in its quietness and character that is so pervasive it is not easily broken.

So next time God replies with an “in a little while,” remember that He is doing this for our good, that He is in control, and that even though we may seem forgotten and alone, He does see, He knows, and will fulfill His promise in its timing. When that time is over, you will have received more than the fulfillment of that promise; you will have learned the benefit of the wait.

Opening Remarks

Well, considering that this is something I never thought I’d be doing, I’m not sure where to commence. In that case, I guess the beginning is really the best place to start, so I will. My name, obviously, is Becky. I am a children’s pastor, love polka dots and the color yellow. Writing has recently become one of my passions.  Smiling is what I do best.

I am also a mom to be, albeit not in what most people would consider the "normal" manner and most definitely in an unknown time frame.

My husband and I have been (and still are) struggling with unexplained infertility. The past four years of my life have been an interesting journey. This journey began like most others, full of innocence and a naïve belief that at any moment we would be expectant parents. We gradually progressed to the “Hmm, maybe something isn’t entirely right stage” and onto the, “well, obviously something isn’t quite right, but no one can figure out exactly what” stage, which is where we are now.

We are also pursuing adoption through the foster system, as that is something we have always wanted to do. Following much prayer, thought, and counsel from friends who have walked this road before us, we decided to pursue adoption the end of 2010. We recently completed our paperwork, training, are home study approved and are waiting on God’s timing for our first placement.

All this said, it is my desire to be an encouragement to families who are walking this road with us, even as we continue our journey. I also believe that many of the things that I write, or have written as the case may be, are not necessarily specific to infertility. They may have stemmed from that place in my life but are applicable to many other situations that I or others may encounter in this lifetime.

So without further adieu, I welcome you to this journey- a path of hope when there seems to be none, because with God’s help, there is nothing left to fear. Feel free to join in, share your thoughts (nicely please :)), and give your feedback as we grow together.