Conflict of Interests

Last night Chris (the hubby) and I went to Target to register for baby gifts.

Now for most couples, this is a natural part of being in a marital relationship; love, marriage, baby carriage. Unfortunately things have not worked exactly as we’d planned in this arena. We found love, married, and have been waiting for the carriage for almost 4 years.

After much prayer and consideration, we chose to pursue adoption in addition to our regularly scheduled ttc life. Adopting was something we’d always planned to do, just didn’t anticipate doing it now- it was more of a “later” kind of opportunity.

Our families are super excited. My mom has been giving me little things here and there “for her grandbabies.” His mom has closets full of toys and activities whereby children can engage their imaginations. His family also wants to throw us a shower.

I am totally not anti-shower by any means. Like any other expectant parents, we need all the help we can get- kids are expensive after all! We have virtually nothing- a convertible crib has been our biggest investment to this point. A tub full of outgrown infant clothing from when I was a nanny for twin girls, a few toys, an old swing, and a pack and play from my husband’s cousin occupy the closet.

In spite of all this, as well as my appreciation for what my in-laws are doing, registering was by far one of the most awkward things I’ve done in my life. I even made Chris carry the clicker.

The tension inside me is interesting. I am truly settled with where God has us at this moment. I have learned so much (and have so much still to learn), but I am not distressed about any one part of our situation, unlike in the past. Would I like for our situation to be different? Of course. But I’m truly ok with where we are.

I’m ok with were we are treatment wise and also in knowing that on any given day we might receive that call, the one that would forever change the landscape of our lives. We wait in hopeful anticipation that somehow, someday, we will be parents one way or the other and are at the moment, for all practical purposes, expectant parents.

Still, I felt like such a fraud standing there last night.

How do you register when you don’t even know who your children are, when they are coming, or how old they will be when they come home? I was saddened by the need to choose gender neutral supplies instead of vibrant pinks or blues. This is something that I would most likely have done anyway, but the fact that I was doing it out of necessity rather than by choice was somewhat disappointing.  Considering what items we might need for and infant, toddler or preschooler is daunting. The selection of supplies is astounding; I never realized just how many choices there are and I consider myself fairly well versed in all things child related. I guess that’s what happens when you intentionally avoid an entire section of the store in fear of the emotions or flood of tears that are bound to surface after a visit! Adding to the dynamic is the fact that we haven’t given up on having biological children, and let’s face it, there are some things that are just more geared towards growing a family in that manner.

All things considered, I know that the shower will be a good thing, a day to celebrate what God is doing. It will take stress off of us, mentally and financially; we will no longer need to freak out every time we get a phone call and start making a list of necessary supplies to procure.  It will give others a chance to share in our joy, even before it is complete. As Chris told me in his pep talk to me on the way to the store, this shower is a faith thing; faith that God will do what He has promised us so many times, through so many people and situations.

I know that God is faithful, that He knows my desires and the deep love that I already possess for our children, no matter who they are or where they come from, so for now we wait, knowing that God is in control, and that His timing is perfect.