Letting Go

Since becoming a mom via the foster system two months ago, I have certainly struggled. There is nothing quite like being a foster, foster to adopt or adoptive parent, specifically after struggling with infertility, and more particularly when there hasn't been a conclusive end to that part of life, outside of simply resolving to move on.

This struggle has been an emotional one to say the least, consuming my time and energy, overtaking my mental faculties far too often. Pain engulfs me, leaving me to wonder if there will ever be an end to this journey. Fear creeps in, taking hold, telling me that it will always be like this, that no satisfaction will ever be found. 

Contentment seems far beyond my grasp, and with each passing day I have grown more restless.

The attitudes and actions of others sting, leaving behind a bitter resentment. Words, spoken in a naivety, puncture, deepening wounds already acquired.  Reminders of what was, what could have been haunt, bequeathing a desperation for what is not, and seemingly will never be.  A somberness pervades my demeanor, leaving me with feelings of destitution; alone with few real friends, and even fewer who really understand my situation.

But then I hear a still, small voice calling me, beckoning me to come, to rest, to let go. If only I will listen. It, He, calls me to let go of the pain that has already been taken upon His shoulders; to relinquish my scars, scabs, and wounds into His.

He challenges me to renounce my fear, letting go of my inhibitions, placing my trust in Him instead of anything that modern, conventional wisdom would endorse. In doing so, I return my faith to Him rather than to the enemy, Satan, whose artillery is filled with scare tactics.

He gently corrects me, directing me to abandon my anger and bitterness along with the unforgiving spirit I have had, and still have at times towards others. When I carry the afore mentioned, I stand in contempt of all I claim to believe. I have been forgiven, and others deserve the same treatment as much as I do.

I cannot claim to be a representative of Christ when my actions contradict the point my words make. No matter what others may say or do, no matter how their misguided, ill-timed words may hurt, how their actions may influence our relationship, the fact remains that  my “attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5).

He then reminds me that jealousy must also go, being listed among several Biblical lists of serious grievances. This ugly green monster, when allowed in, pervades every inch of my being; thoughts, attitudes, and actions, feeding all sorts of other contemptible behavior. It oozes its way into every aspect of daily life, almost literally coloring the world an ugly shade of green. When envy is present, contentment is not possible and nothing is ever good enough. However, as Paul wrote Timothy, “Godliness with contentment is great gain,” and while speaking specifically of financial success, the application is the same; contentment is reliance on God for all we need and have been promised.

He exhorts me to forgive myself by refusing to live in regret for past decisions and even mistakes, reminding me that my life is not in the past, but in the future, walking forward daily with Him. Past experiences now play an integral role in my future, not as a dwelling place for my thoughts, but, as those days have already been experienced, their purpose now is as a learning tool, a stepping stone, not as a stumbling block or hindrance to my progress.

He propels me forward, encouraging me to “press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me,” to be as those who have gone before, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward.” (Philippians 3:12-14). My goal is simply this; to strive towards the calling I have received from my Lord, impacting the world around me one day at a time, especially that of children.

So for now, that means fostering children that may never permanently be mine. It means that for the time I have them, I must care for them as if they were “mine,” leaving behind my own fears and anxieties surrounding infertility and my future family, disregarding what others may say or do, remembering that God is in control, He knows what my desires are and all that He has promised us concerning our future family.

And for now, that’s enough. 

I’m letting go.